A Great Romance

Valentine’s Day. To some it is a much anticipated, wonderful day. To others, it can be the worst kind. Everyone has an opinion of this Hallmark holiday. KP and I aren’t too keen on it. We do exchange cards and he usually gets me flowers. We save our “date” for another, less crowded night. I’d attribute that to age, but we’ve done so since we were just out of college. It’s just not our thing.

Nevertheless, on this day I can’t help but think a bit about our life romance, to take a look at this man I’m tied to and evaluate our relationship. KP and I have been an item for over 14 years. Just typing that number amazes me. Some days it seems like yesterday that I first laid eyes on him. My heart still skips a beat at the thought.

But then I look at pictures of us from that time. And I look at the man next to me. I look in the mirror. And I see that time has certainly progressed. We have two children, two cars, and a mortgage. Now I know that to some readers, making it to our 10^th year of marriage with 5 years of dating before that isn’t much. Yet to others it may seem a long while indeed.

I will be honest with you. I adore my husband. But you see I don’t think of KP as my soul mate. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but I just think the world is too big to say we have one soul mate. Just because we happened to both be born in this country and to attend the same college doesn’t make KP the only man on this earth for me.  I am also able to function without my husband. This is because my being is not wrapped up in his. He is my husband, and I love him. But he does not define me. I am my own person. And to be frank, if I am not well with myself I cannot be of much help to anyone else, him included.

All of this doesn’t mean we don’t have a great romance. I’m just not sure it aligns with the standards set by our culture. I think what defines our union is not our love for each other, but our decision to love one another. There is a marked difference here. When we started out, the feelings of love were overwhelming, the whole “I saw fireworks” thing in full effect. But time changes things. Life changes things. I’m not saying that is totally gone. It’s not. But it’s mainly replaced with something that grows deeper each year. As we make the choice to love one another with our words and our deeds, our marriage strengthens.

We still have years to come. I know there will be good times, and I know there will be bad times. That’s about all I know for sure. But if there’s one thing I’ve experienced thus far, it’s that choosing to love one another through them has its rewards. Those small decisions form the cornerstone of our great romance.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

To My Cloud of Witnesses

This morning, I had the great pleasure to read the following at all three services at Roswell Presbyterian Church. We are in the midst of a sermon series called Modern Family. Today's sermon was "A Challenge for Women," preached by my dear friend The Reverend Lyndsay Lee Slocum. I was honored to share in the same hour with her message. 

When given the task to write a thank you note to someone who has impacted my faith, I spent some time reflecting. So many moments, so many people came to mind. And I realized that God sent, continues to send, and will keep on sending a great multitude to keep me pressing onward. Not just one. I can’t just thank one. And so….

To My Cloud of Witnesses,

It is with humble gratitude that I write to you in regards to what you have done for my faith journey. Many of you I do not know. Some I don’t remember. Some I’ve yet to meet. Many I won’t meet until my time here on Earth is complete. But some of you I can thank.

To my mother, prayer warrior and my father, student of the Word, you gave me the tools to start my journey.

To Brad, Christy, Shawn, Matt, Jenn, and Jen, you were more than youth leaders. You were constants in a tumultuous time. You were witnesses to the faith by simply being present. I can’t remember much of what you said. It’s what you did that stands out.

To the women of this church, at all ages and stages of life. You walk alongside me in my journey, so many of you inspiring me as you keep the incredible legacy of this place alive.

To my husband, you have continually challenged me to better understand what I believe and why so that I can share with you. Watching your faith grow leaves me with no doubt that our God is a powerful pursuer of his beloved.

To my daughters. You are still new on your journeys but you teach me daily about real faith, true and pure.

And to the rest of you. Thank you for keeping on. For running the race. For prayers, for words, for hugs, for inspiration.

My faith journey is not traveled alone. Nor is it over until my Maker says so. I am continually learning, stumbling, rising, soaring. My cloud of witnesses is vital to this. To those seen and unseen. To those known and unknown. For each of you, I am eternally grateful.

In Christ,

Laura

Blessings Flow

      The time of year has come to pause and give thanks. Recently, I accepted the challenge to think of ten blessings in my life that didn’t involve anything material. The speaker giving the challenge noted that it would be harder than it seemed. He referred to his own attempt at the exercise as one riddled with his wants, more than his blessings. Trying to clear his mind of material desires made that list grow ever longer.

      So over the past week I took the time to reflect on my blessings. There are so many this year that I could think of: my husband’s job, our warm and comfortable home, our mission trip this summer to Guatemala. Yet all of these are a result of material blessings. I’m not saying they’re not worth being thankful for. But they’re not what I’m after.

      I did some more thinking, additional pondering and a few prayers for perspective. Today I sat down and started jotting them down. And wouldn’t you know they flowed like blessings can. From my grateful heart to the page:

1)   My Father in heaven and his Son, Jesus Christ who saves my wretched soul daily from the mess I make of life.

2)   My loving, hard-working, devoted husband.

3)   My two beautiful daughters, precious creations I am privileged to be raising.

4)   Family that loves, supports and encourages me.

5)   Friends and neighbors who expand that family ever larger.

6)   My church. Not the building itself but the family therein.

7)   The health and safety that is undeservedly bestowed upon myself and my loved ones daily.

8)   The gifts God has given me to help spread His love.

9)   My brief stint on Earth, as a woman living in the 21^st century in a free and modern society.

10) The faith, hope and love that, through God's grace, swells from my soul.

      Was that so hard? No, it was embarrassingly easy. Taken from a book AP likes to read called Grateful, by John Bucchino, I am “truly blessed, and duly grateful.”

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Hindsight

      I am now an aunt. To be fair, I have 5 nieces and nephews on my husband’s side and I love them all. But recently my sister had her first child, a son. This event gave me the opportunity to travel across the country to be with them. I went to offer my help, my encouragement, and (hard to believe) my wisdom. As a mother of two young children, I have some real world experience on the subject of babies.

      So I headed out there, and got down to it. I played several roles while there, including but not limited to: chef, nanny, maid, butler, personal assistant and court jester. True, I was there to meet my nephew, but I was also there to help my sister navigate her new life. Or at least to survive its beginning.

      What I realized through it all is that I could do all the above jobs and still have time to watch old reruns with my sister while she nursed. I could nap, read, and go for a run. I could do all of that in my sleep and still have time to spare. Meanwhile, my sister needed nothing but sleep. We were in two very different places.

      Nearly five years after I started this journey of parenthood, I realize how much I’ve adjusted to. I now see my sister’s place as a parent of one small baby as a breeze. Her son can’t talk back, he can’t throw a tantrum, and he stays in one place. When I was there, his cry sounded more like a whimper. My house these days sounds like a three-ring circus. I am surrounded by squeals, giggles and sibling squabbles. Every time I turn around, I’m wiping up a spill, taking someone to the potty, or convincing someone to take “just one more bite.” For me, the visit to help my sister was like a mini vacation. Even with the chores.

      However, my sister didn’t see it that way. She is living the seemingly insurmountable life of a new mother: that sleep-deprived place where you are aware of the harsh reality that life will never be the same. Yes, having a child is a blessed event. It’s beautiful and amazing. It’s also ugly, scary, and confining. She needed someone there who remembers that, someone with hindsight to hold her hand through the first few weeks.

     I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be in that position. It once again shows me how God uses our experiences to work in the lives of others. Not to mention our own. At the time, my sister was in that place where she wasn’t sure she’d make it through. The thing is, she will. And what’s more, she’ll probably do it again. That’s what we do. We willingly throw ourselves into the great adventure called parenthood again and again.

     You know that cliché all older people say to parents with young children? It’s a variation of “enjoy these moments, it goes by so quickly.”  Sometimes I see these people and think, okay, take them. Take my snotty, whining, bratty kids. But this is what’s funny. I watched my sister nursing her newborn son, and found myself saying just that. I can’t get back those sweet moments with newborn AP or MP. They are gone. All I can do is move forward, enjoying the new, amazing things my children do each day. And in the meantime, I sure can take time to hold my new nephew while my sister catches a nap.

A New View

 

The last several weeks I’ve done more living than reflecting. I traveled for a variety of reasons and the time in between trips was hectic. But I took notes and now I am pleased to present a series on my adventures.
After a week with a virus that really got me down I felt a need for a change of scenery. Now that I’m a mom of two I can’t just hop in the car and take off. Well I could but I’d have to be back after lunch to get MP from preschool. So when KP said he needed to head in town to handle something at the office I hitched a ride. Now I’m in the lobby of a midtown high rise eating a sweet potato pancake. My view consists of glass and light and a perfectly still rock pool. And the pancake is scrumptious.

           Here’s the difference. Yesterday afternoon I was pulling through the Chick-fil-A drive thru with two young children, after a haircut for them both and before a stop at the high school junior varsity football game to watch one of my teenagers cheer. Today I’m sitting alone in this beautiful space. All around me people are going about their lives. A group of young guys in plaid shirts hover around a MacBook, discussing a proposal of some sort. Men and women in business attire pass through the lobby. Traffic rushes by. But for me, a respite in the middle of the city feels right.

I chose to stay home with my children. And I know I won’t – and already don’t- regret the decision. But every now and then I need to recharge. Sometimes it’s with nature. And sometimes it’s not. Today I’m right where I want to be.

I think we all need to remember that there are times when we just need to walk away from it all. I’m not talking about life-altering changes. This isn’t a plea for you to march into your boss’s office and resign, or to pack up and travel the world (although for some it might be what you need). I simply mean a breather. With school in session your next vacation may be a while off.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t do something out of the ordinary. For those who work full time at a desk, a day away from the computer will do you wonders. For those who live with the land, a visit to the city, a museum, or the theater may give you the rest you need. You could cook a new meal, try out a new park for your run, or call up someone you haven’t spoken with in a while. A break from the usual is good for all of us.

            Today I grabbed my chance. It will be brief, I admit. KP will be here any moment. But the beauty of it is that I’ll make it back in time for school to let out.

Road Trip

     Lately I feel like a common topic keeps coming up. How do we know what God wants us to do? How do we find our path? Today even, I heard someone speaking on how we can discern whether something really is of God. This can certainly be hard. And it seems everyone has an answer. The world says if it feels good, it must be okay. Or find happiness, that's what matters. Some claim that if you serve others, even at the expense of yourself, you've done the right thing. Others believe in nose to the grindstone, barely looking up long enough to live. Many of us are somewhere in the middle of these philosophies. Then we throw the phrase "God's will" into the pile and the result is pretty messy.
     But in the midst of this attempt at discernment, there comes a time when you know for sure you are where you ought to be. For me, these times become clear by the feeling that everything else I've gone through has brought me to here. It's almost as if I didn't have a choice. Oh, don't get me wrong. I made plenty of detours along the way, but in the end I still got there. 
     Now that school is back in session, I have the great honor of spending one evening a week with a truly special group of young ladies. They can't drive (alone) yet, and they can't vote. They haven't been to college and they haven't worked a nine to five job. They still live at home and can't stay out too late at night. They are fifteen. Officially, I am their leader. I have signed on to guide them along their faith journey for the next few years. But week after week, I come away learning something new from them.
     And here comes that feeling. Everything else I've done in life, every mountain and every valley, led me here. For this brief moment in time, we are walking this walk together. I have the life experience and they have the fresh perspective. The result allows the Spirit to move and work in ways that humble me to my knees.
     Today in church, my pastor used two of our international mission destinations as examples in his sermon. I have been to both as a member. I sat there, next to three of the girls who I took with me to Guatemala this summer, and I knew I am where I'm meant to be. What I usually look at as individual events in my life become threads woven into my journey. Today the examples were physical places, which works perfectly with my whole road metaphor above. For these physical journeys truly did alter my life forever. But I also realized that amongst the big moments, there have been so many small ones. My life experiences, the gentle nudging of the spirit and a response of yes to God's voice, have brought me to where I am. He so perfectly shapes the path for us that when we look back we realize we were never really lost. We were never wandering hopelessly. He was building a bridge, paving a road, filling up our tank. He was patiently cheering us on.
     My journey isn't over. I know that down the road I'll look back and see how this group of girls changed me. How it changed them. How it propelled us to the next part of our individual journeys. For now, I'm just grateful I've been given a glimpse of the work that God is doing with my life thus far. He really does take my mess and use it to perfect the masterpiece He calls humanity.

After the Storm

     Over the past week, many of us in the southeastern quadrant of the country watched Hurricane Isaac make its way through the Gulf. Even though I'm not on the coast anymore, growing up in Florida, I'm hardwired to keep alert of dangerous weather. Less than a week since the twenty year anniversary of Hurricane Andrew, I took some time to think about the event and its aftermath.
     I don't think there is anyone who was living in South Florida at that time who doesn't remember vividly the night Andrew made landfall. The center of the storm was headed straight for our area, but made a last minute jog south and hit Homestead, FL. My family stayed up together in one room, watching a small battery powered television. My sister and I had leaks in our windows, our chimney suffered damage, but we made it out okay. For those further south, much more was lost. The damage done over that one night took years to repair. Looking back now, I can't help but see how one storm changed the course of my own history.
     That winter, my church youth group was supposed to go to skiing. Instead, we housed a group our age from Michigan and together we spent a week in Homestead working with displaced migrant families and repairing damaged homes. My first experience in the mission field prepared my heart for the future. It was a springboard for more local mission work as well as my involvement in global missions as an adult. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't have a heart for missions if Andrew hadn't hit South Florida. God always provides a way to where He wants us. But the storm shaped my path.
     It also brought me one of my dearest friends. Andrew hit the weekend before my first day of high school. Afterwards, schools in surrounding areas saw an influx of students who were displaced from Homestead. One boy and his family made the move to our district and we became friends. We've remained so ever since. We attended college together and I'd often give him a ride home for holidays. My mom always felt better about those trips with him in the car. When I went through my first break up, he was there to make me laugh again. We kept in touch after college and now he is a family friend. My children call him uncle. If Andrew hadn't hit we may have never met.
     Another uprooted family moved in down the street from mine. At the time, their son was four and their daughter barely a year. I became their Saturday night babysitter. For the first year, I often had to stay with A until he was nearly asleep because he was afraid another hurricane would come in the night. I watched him grow out of that. I also watched him grow into a caring, intelligent kid. When his sister J was around 3, she had to have surgery. I went over to see her and several local family members were there. She started crying and her grandmothers went to her side. But she was calling for me. I realized that to this little girl, I was part of her family. Moments like this have prompted me as a parent to create a community for my children that extends beyond biological ties; to put people in their lives that will comfort and shape them. One of my top priorities when I was pregnant with AP was to find a babysitter. Leaving your children with people you trust has benefits for the children as well as for the foundation of a family - the marriage. My husband and I still get to date, and that is invaluable. 
     I do want to point out that I did not live through the destruction of my home. I never had to leave my possessions and hope everything was okay when I was allowed to return. I didn't see all my memories destroyed by wind and water. I am not trying to say that a hurricane is a good thing. What I am saying is that in life we will encounter storms of all kinds. Some are bigger than others. Out of them, we learn, we grow, we are changed. I am reminded of Deuteronomy 31:8, which says "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." During Andrew, God was still there. He was working in the midst of the madness. Twenty years later, the beautiful results in my life remain.  



 

Going It Together

     The first week of school for AP was fantastic. She loves her school, her teachers, and her new friends. She especially enjoys riding the bus. So much so that she became concerned she would miss it. This caused her to begin waking an hour or more early to remind me that I needed to get her up in time. When you're already getting up at the crack of dawn you can imagine what time we're talking about.
     I reassured her that she would not miss the bus, that Mommy would remember to wake her. KP arrived home end of the week and after both being woken in the wee hours, assured her that she would not miss the bus.
     Friday morning, I visited a dear friend of mine. She asked me how the first week was going and I mentioned our tiny problem in the midst of an otherwise successful start. She, having a kindergartner herself, suggested her own alarm. She said her son was also anxious about missing the bus and that helped.
     I took note and headed home. We enjoyed a blissful weekend with Daddy home and no bus to miss. Our AP slept in both mornings, allowing everyone to catch up on some well deserved sleep.
Then yesterday afternoon, I told her about the alarm idea. I explained that each morning, one of her favorite music cds would come on when it was time to get up. She was sold.
      It worked! She sleep each morning until her alarm. That first morning she was excited that it worked and said she was able to sleep knowing it would tell her when to get up. And Mama wasn't disturbed.
     This got me thinking about something. In April, KP and I took a trip to New York. My birthday present, it was a weekend spent rekindling my love affair with that amazing city. One thing we tried, on another dear friend's suggestion, was a trip to the Tenement Museum. In Manhattan's Lower East Side, the museum is housed in an actual tenement building from the 19th century. When it was discovered, the curators dug into the history of the building and pieced together actual stories of the immigrants who lived there. KP and I took one of the tours. Listening to the guide, one thing that struck me was the importance of the small yard at the back of the building. The women would gather there to hang their laundry out and would often wind up comparing notes on home making and child rearing, among other things. This became a way of fostering community and support for women who were far from home. And the advice of others helped them to solve problems with their children, in turn making their homes happier ones.
     When I heard this, I thought of the mom's group I attend at my church each week during the school year. We haven't started yet and I find myself missing it so. A place to learn, grow, and off load, I find it an essential part of my children's school year. That room is our tenement building backyard. In a culture that tells us you can do anything, it often fails to mention the fact that you can't do it alone.
  These days, the immigrants have fanned out across the country. They married, had children, and did it again. Their descendants are American. They are you and me. And just as before, parents still can't do it alone. They need the support of those around them; those who have gone before, and those who are doing it right alongside them. I am thankful for my community, and chances are if I offer a suggestion to you, it didn't start with me.

A Divided Heart

This week my four year old started public school. The luck of the draw, or as I prefer to say the Maker’s hand, put her in the pre-k class at our local elementary school. So on Monday morning we woke her before the sun and put her on the school bus. KP stayed in town for the occasion and then caught a late morning flight back to his client site.

Before they left, my house, and my person, felt complete. Now it feels as if parts of my heart are elsewhere. My husband packed up and placed a piece of me in his suitcase. My schoolgirl lugged a piece up those bus stairs for the first time. And both traveled in different directions.

Everyone tells you that the first day you watch your child leave on the bus is poignant. After three years of schooling at a local church, I thought watching AP leave would be bittersweet and exciting, but didn’t expect this. And KP? He leaves every week. He has for nearly a year now. I’m used to the fact that his commute involves crossing multiple states in an airplane.

But suddenly both were gone at once, and both in situations I couldn’t control. I don’t drive the bus and I can’t fly the plane. I’m not a teacher and I’m not a consultant. I’m the one leaving the light on out front. Waiting on the return of those I love, one by one.

Today is the third day of school and the wound in my heart has scabbed over. The ache remains but it’s dull now. MP has proved an excellent physician. It doesn’t hurt that she is currently in a “let’s play doctor” stage. She is offering bandages and medicine around the clock. Time with my little healer gives me a chance to reflect on this change.

I love to travel. I love adventure. Yet I’ve never really stopped to think about the fact that every time I go anywhere, or embark on a new phase in life, I may be packing a piece of someone’s heart along with my necessities. I know my mom’s is in there. Kevin too. And now my children’s join the mix. I’m not used to being the one who stays behind. It’s humbling. It’s a little lonely. It’s also defining. And currently my heart is reshaping itself for letting go.

            Today it’s the bus, tomorrow it’s the same mission trip to a developing country I just took a bunch of teenagers on this summer. And I want those things for my children. I also want my husband to love what he does and to support him wherever he goes.

This spring I started a Couch to 5K program. I’ve never run in my life and thought it was about time. Over the course of the program, I conditioned myself to run just over three miles. It was a slow and steady approach. But now I can run it without feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my chest.  I realize this week is just the beginning of a lifetime of conditioning my heart to be divided amongst those I love, wherever they are. The thing is, it sounds painful, and indeed it can be. But there’s also a tremendous amount of joy. And I’ll take one for the other.

A collective thank you note

This past Sunday in worship, we were given homework at the end of the sermon. I'm not sure how many people actually followed through on it. But I always loved school. I miss it. So like a good student I took my Bible out that afternoon, sat down, and got to work.
The assignment wasn't hard. We were to reflect on the way God has worked in our lives, to look for his fingerprints in our past that put us where we are today. We were to quiet our minds, push away the distractions, and just reflect.
For me, doing the assignment while AP was out playing with the neighbors and MP and KP were napping was the perfect time. I sat outside, and even with the whir of lawnmowers and the sound of kids playing basketball down the street, I felt quieted.
I chose a specific time period to reflect on, the past two years. KP and I went through some serious changes in that time. We added a child to our family, KP left one job and started another, AP has grown tremendously from age 2 to 4.
Once I started filling in the open heart on the back of our bulletin provided for the activity, I couldn't stop. My pen just kept going. And through the list I saw God's fingerprints most clearly through the people in my life. I was overwhelmed at the fact that God works miracles all the time. He may not ignite my boxwood hedge outside or send a glowing angel to my front yard, but He is working daily through those around me. And the results are just as magnificent. The list filled the heart, then the page, and kept on going. But for this post I'm focusing on the people that came to mind.
I thought I'd record the names. Then I'll send it to them. So they can know that God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things.
Kelly
my husband
The Hosfields
Judy
AP's faith
my sister
my dad
MP's joy
sisters
church staff
Ryex Freshman girls and Stephanie
Hungry Mommies
Crysti
neighbors

a happy heart

The past few weeks KP has been racking up the miles. He's flying places for a day to attend a meeting, then jetting back for a morning conference at his home office. And I'm also not talking about boring places. I'm talking the Big Apple, the Windy City. For a travel loving wife, each trip breaks my heart a little. That may seem dramatic, but the travel bug bit me in the summer of 1997 on a family trip to London and hasn't let up since. I'm the one who sees a plane in the sky and wishes I was on it. When I go to the airport, I have a hard time not throwing caution to the wind and heading for the international terminal.
It's times like these that I question my decision to stay at home with my children. While KP grabs a bite at a trendy NYC establishment, I'm wiping up the food that missed MP's mouth for at least the third time that day from under the table. While he's talking about important things with important people, the highlight of my day is figuring out how to inflate AP's bicycle tire. Normally we'd wait for Daddy to come home, but Daddy won't be home for 3 more days and that's too long to wait.
I send AP off down the driveway on her bike, the extent of my horizon on many days . I take a moment to wallow in the fact that the furthest I drove that day was to the store and back. Then she calls out, "Mommy, I'm doing it!" On training wheels, she's made it down the driveway without another push. To be honest, she didn't physically need her mother there. Anyone could have helped her adjust her helmet, get on her bike, and send her on her way. But her voice pulls me from my moment and I realize that I made the decision to be home because I wanted to be there. I want to be the one who sees those moments. I want to be the one she wakes up calling for and the one she comes home to each day.
I know there are plenty of people who wish they could be in my shoes and can't. People who don't want to hear me complain for one second. I realize the blessing the choice is borne from. But like any job, most days bring monotony with the occasional highlight. And there are certainly more glamorous jobs.
But this Valentine's Day I experienced a moment that has me absolutely sure my choice is the right one. Amidst the chaos that was AP's class Valentine's party, I noticed a bulletin board on the wall. The title was "what makes my heart happy". Each child gave an answer and it was written on a heart shaped piece of paper. There were sweet answers: my sister, my mommy and daddy. There were funny answers: playing with frogs. And there, right in the middle, was AP's heart. It said "being with God." I almost broke down in tears right there, fell on my knees, and thanked my heavenly Father. I knew in my heart of hearts that she gets it. She didn't just come up with that answer. I asked her later about the board and she remembered what she said. She gave her answer again with confidence. I told her how happy it makes my heart that she knows God loves her, that she wants to be with and know Him.
There was the highlight. And it was a big one. The rest of the day was full of cleaning up messes, breaking up fights, and the sights and sounds - some good, some bad - that two little girls bring to our household. I don't remember much of the details of all that now. However, I won't ever forget AP's heart on the preschool wall, a literal sign that the faith I'm attempting to instill in my little girl is there. The daily in and out, the dirty floors, the dust on my passport are all part of my life now. But those moments make it all worth it. It's those moments that leave me flying high.

The Perfect Storm

This morning was to be an important moment in the life of my oldest daughter. She would take a step in her faith journey by receiving her first Bible at church. First thing, I worked to have my family out the door on time. The girls were in new dresses, everyone's hair was just so. Then AP lost it in the car over a missing book and everything tumbled apart. My nerves were on edge, my patience nonexistent.
We parked and made it inside only for it to get worse. I accidentally hit AP on the head with a door in my attempt to square away MP's belongings in the nursery before service began. She started to cry. I could get into more detail, and there was more, but basically I raised my voice at her and dragged her upstairs towards the sanctuary. What's worse, I blamed her for the accident.
There are so many excuses I could give for how this happened. Some would show you how I got to the point I did. But none of them really matter. What matters is that my quest for the way I thought the picture of this morning should look like turned me into a monster.
How often do we work for perfection and in the process miss the point?
I wanted both of my girls to be beautiful, with no tears on their faces or wrinkles in their dresses. I wanted smiles. I wanted my husband to miraculously decide not to take the last few minutes at home to himself like he always does, to do more than feed the kids breakfast and buckle them into their car seats (which he did).
Meanwhile, how did I look? There I was, yelling at my child in public, snapping at my husband when he tried to intervene.
I'll tell you how I looked. Ugly. Anything but the perfection I was striving for.
Later, during worship time, a line in a song hit me over the head:
"I want to love you when the blood in my veins doesn't know how to."
Blood in my veins. I'll tell you, the blood in my veins was running hot today. There wasn't much love going on in there.
So how do we love God, and in turn others, when the blood in our veins is so....human. How do we love like a perfect God when we are so imperfect? How do we love in those moments (and you know we all have them).
I think we start by acknowledging that He first loved us. And does now. I am humbled beyond words that God loved me through the poor decisions I made this morning. If He could love me through that, shouldn't I be able to love my family better than I do? If He could love me when I failed so miserably, shouldn't I do better next time?
Ah, there it is. His love, His grace, should drive us to do just that. To strive for perfection. But not our idea of perfection. Do you think God cares who wore what this morning? Do you think he cares whether AP's face was tear stained or her hair was combed? Surely not. God wants us to come to Him as we are. No primping beforehand, just raw and real and honest. That is the point. And as we do, and we experience His love, we are drawn towards a more perfect life. A life perfect because of and through Him.
There simply is no other way.

Fresh back from an extended Christmas vacation in sunny Florida, I'm relishing the fact that we're all healthy. Some of us even got a tan, yours truly excluded. The girls swam, KP had a full 10 days to relax, and I was able to come up for air after the whirlwind that the holidays always bring.
The trip gave us time to spend with both sets of parents. This was, for the most part, quite enjoyable. Through the gift giving, cooking, eating, and football watching, I realized that KP and I truly have our own family now. Through the years, we created a home and we run it and our lives differently than our parents. We both found humor in the subtle -and not so subtle- differences between us and those who gave us life. KP can't stand his parents blatant ignorance of expiration dates on food. My parents live in the middle of nowhere and you can't step outside for two minutes without getting locked out of the house. Generally, these things just make us laugh.
But in all the adjustments to each other there is something that kept the season bright, or rather two things: AP and MP. The joy that children bring to a holiday is undeniable. People tend to put their differences aside as they celebrate with the young. Part of it is surely the excitement, but another is their unshakeable faith in the unseen.
This weekend at church we took a look at Psalm 8. This song of praise has a verse right at the beginning that floored me. Verse 2 says: from the mouths of infants and nursing babes You have established strength (NASB). I saw this verse literally personified over the holidays in so many ways. Our youngest, now nearing 2, loves to pray. The moment we are all seated before a meal the smallest of the KPs is sitting calmly, hands clasped, ready to thank God for the bounty before us. It is so adorable that I found Kevin's not so religious parents excited for the dinner prayer every evening. MP allowed what could be an awkward situation (praying in the home of someone who doesn't practice such things) to become the norm, expected even.
When Jesus was teaching, his disciples attempted to keep the children who wanted to touch him at a distance. They saw no place for them there. Jesus saw otherwise, he was "indignant" (Mark 10:14 NIV). He knew the importance of the faith of a child. In fact, he spoke of our very salvation as tied to it.
Small children don't just think God loves them. They know it, in a way we as adults lose sight of. Sure, we can think of a long list of reasons why we lose it. Life happens, the world happens, hurt happens. But when anyone encounters a child's demonstrations of faith, their own faith is changed. God often uses small things to show His strength. Little people, little moments, little steps - this is where one will see God.
My favorite pose in yoga is the child's pose. A resting pose, it is the most comfortable position I've ever found for my earthly body. It stretches the right places and provides a place of peace. As I sat in it this morning, I realized how perfectly named it is. The pose, like a child's faith, just feels right.
Through the holidays, the time with family, and the break from the norm, my children reminded me to just accept the gift of God's son. Accept it fully, with abandon, and most of all with joy.
May we count our blessings all the way through 2012.

Insert Name Here

I've been thinking about something lately. As mentioned in my previous post, with KP away I am attempting to adopt a more thankful attitude. If I approach life with a thankful heart I am sure I can live a better, stronger, more peaceful existence.
Of course shortly after this decision, and my prayers to follow, God answers. There's been more than one instance, but I won't bore you with my little daily assurances that God is real. I'll just bore you with one.
At the start of this week a dear friend of mine referenced Psalm 136. This Psalm is a liturgy of praise to the Lord, listing the things He made and the things Hedid for the people of Israel. I found myself drawn to this Psalm the morning she shared it. After each acknowledgement there is a refrain. The NIV Bible uses "His love endures forever." The Message version says "His love never quits." Suddenly I found my version. "His love never ends." I realized I could easily insert my life story into that Psalm.
Right after praising God for creating the sun and moon and stars, I could thank him for loving me. Always and always.

The God who brought me KP
His love never ends.
Led me to our church
His love never ends.
Used His perfect timing to send us our beloved children
His love never ends.
Keeps us clothed and sheltered
His love never ends.
Remains patient despite the mess that is my life
His love never ends.

His love never ends!

How many of us heard a song on the radio in the last week and related it to our lives? Perhaps we thought of a loved one, a memory, a hope. We tie stories, songs, and the like to ourselves all the time. Simply put, Psalm 136 is a song. And in inserting my story into its lines, I made it personal. In the end, that's what God wants. He wants us to take His story to heart so that our story will reflect Him.

Peace of My Mind

This weekend we headed to the mountains. For the girls and I, it was an escape. For KP, I fear just more travel.

Which has me thinking about the new direction of our lives. The two of us, the founding members of this family, will have to see the give and take we attempt to balance now rise to a new level. There will be times I just want to get out of the house when all he wants to do is stay home. Our idea of a break may take on different meanings.

One thing I’m working to do in this new life is to be proactive in the way I will handle the inevitable differences. In a recent look at peace, I pondered the difference between the peace that stems from faith versus peace the world brings.

Our culture sells peace to us in many ways. Just turn on the television or open a magazine. If you take this trip, drink this beer, listen to this music, you will be able to escape from it all. But these escapes are temporary. We yearn for a private stretch of beach, a break from it all. If only we had a quiet night, some sort of retreat from normal life.

But then we come back to reality and nothing has changed. The temporary peace is gone, and often the little nagging issues seem magnified. We are never satisfied.

Enter true peace. This type of peace is eternal. We can take it with us from the grocery store to the beach and back. It is there from home to the road, from the road back home. And all the way to our eternal home.

This seems easy enough, but how do I gain that peace? When the kids need one more thing before I can sit down and join them for dinner, when that person cuts me off in the car, when I haven’t seen Kevin in days, how then? The answer is Jesus.

(By the way, here’s a little hint the high school girls at church gave me – the answer is always Jesus).

Expanded, the answer means that we can’t find that peace alone. We can try, but think of it this way; you’re on a journey, you’ve packed the essential necessities, you’re making good time. Then you reach a river and there’s no way across. It’s deep and rough. Yeah, okay, you get it. Jesus is the bridge! I know, pretty amazing.

But nothing is that easy. We do have to start the journey. And don't forget about the essentials. They include the good book, regular chats with its author, time to rest both our bodies and souls, and an often overlooked attribute: thankfulness. If I stop for one moment and think about all I have, the blessings in my life, everything takes on new meaning. A grateful heart foster peace.

For this week, I'll attempt to start there - to be grateful wherever I am.

If I'd known you weren't coming to dinner...

I definitely wouldn't have made this enormous roast.
The past couple of months have been a state of limbo. Our paterfamilias, KP, took a new job as a consultant - a traveling consultant. Waiting for his first commission, KP geared up for this new fragmented life. We waited for the news of his first assignment. It came, and it was local. The luck of the draw! We began adjusting to life with KP at home. Not just home. Working from home.
Then start of this week, I'm minding my own business, running errands while the kids are in preschool, and my beloved phones. "I got a new assignment," he says. "I fly tonight."
All I can think is, what about the roast in the Crockpot? Who's going to eat all that meat?
He packs, he leaves, and I'm setting a table for three. Our girls, aged 3 and 1, are mostly oblivious to the change. But I feel like I've experienced whiplash of the heart. I instantly miss my husband with an intensity I didn't see coming. Probably because when I said my prayers Monday morning they didn't include asking that he have a safe flight before we even sat down to dinner.
Five years ago, I could not have imagined this life. I had just returned from a mission trip halfway around the world. I had a promising career. I was the adventurer, the dreamer, the doer. Then AP came along, and turned my world upside down. I looked into that sweet little face, and gave my heart away. I knew in my bones that my place was with her. Meanwhile, KP's career took off. Now here we are.

I keep imagining KP as a modern-day explorer. Which leaves me as the wife pacing the widow’s walk, waiting for some sign of his ship on the horizon. I didn't see myself as the one to stay behind, tending the hearth, children tugging on my apron strings while I cook dinner. Yet somehow in that imagery, the roast I put on Monday morning fits.
You never know where you’re going to be sent. As I learned in my Bible study yesterday morning, God calls each one of us to an extraordinary life. But, like David the shepherd before us, that doesn’t mean we leave the field we’re in. David was anointed to be king, yet his trade was tending sheep. He didn’t leave that call until it was time. The time in the field is what prepared him for everything to come.

I am now the person by the hearth. I am the rock in my family's lives. I know my new role is to keep a light on for them. To do my best to keep it lit so they can always find their way home.
This is my adventure.